Leaving & Healing From a Narcissistic Relationship

When an empathic woman ends a relationship with a narcissistic person, there is often a period of great confusion and a need to demystify the lost relationship. If you were an over-giver in your relationship with someone - a friend, lover, or even family member- it is helpful to look back at the timeline of your relationship with fresh, discerning eyes, starting from the beginning.

Review Your Relationship

What was the original spark or hook for you when you first connected? How did this person draw you into the relationship? Recall your initial doubts or concerns.

Next, it is helpful to consider when the reciprocity in your relationship stopped. When things started to go wrong, what needs did you have to help, give to, or "heal" this person? What were your first doubts about the inequality of the relationship? When did their taking start, and your overfunctioning become apparent?

Make a list of the red flags. Remember all the times this person put you down for your needs, or put their needs first. What happened when you voiced your concerns? Did you feel minimized, ignored or discounted? Recall how your partner may have distracted you, minimized your concerns, or stonewalled you if you voiced them.

Writing out your relationship timeline can help you gain an honest perspective on your version of the relationship, as you might be overly influenced by the other person's version of you and the relationship.

Embrace Your Disillusionment

As an empath, you likely try to see the good in everyone, and now it is time to get real. Disillusionment can be painful when you have loved deeply and cared greatly for someone. As uncomfortable as it might seem, it is helpful to list what you disliked about this person.

Recording what was difficult about your relationship will help you let go of fantasies about your relationship. Idealizing what you shared can often reveal how good your heart was, how much you gave, and what you hoped your relationship could have been.

Narcissists seek to take, win, control and dominate rather than cooperate or respect. To come out of your idealizations about your relationship, write down what hurt, what you sacrificed, and what felt unhealthy. Note when you had to diminish yourself, walk on eggshells, or silence or change yourself to keep the peace. Refer to your list whenever you find yourself idealizing your lost relationship.

Your fantasies about how good you wished your relationship was likely more about who you are, rather than what was actually happening. Separating your idealistic heart from someone who has hurt you and taken advantage of you is essential at this stage. It is helpful to know that you do not have to become a cynical person as you look at the reality of your relationship. You get to keep your pure heart. You do not have to lose your heart to anyone.

Inner Child Healing

Shame, anxiety and depression after a relationship with a narcissist are common. Blind spots become apparent, and the people around you might start to admit how they felt uneasy about your unhealthy relationship. Regret can arise about lost time and wasted efforts. And doubts about how you could have or should have done things differently can preoccupy you.

Alternatively, when loneliness, longing and loss arise, it is essential to look within and tend to your own emotional pain instead of still wishing you were still connecting with the person who hurt you. In my personal and professional experience, there is usually something we hope to outsource from an unhealthy relationship - from an inner child place. There is often an aching hole, a lack, an unhealed wound, a character weakness, a fear, or a developmental gap to uncover within.

To understand how you contributed to your unhealthy relationship dynamic, ask yourself some thought-provoking questions. What were you hoping your relationship would have done for you? What were you missing inside that you wished could be filled by this person? What better version of yourself did you want to become in this relationship? How did you want to actualize your truth in your relationship? How did you hope this person could have helped you in ways that you do not feel confident enough to do for yourself?

Ask for your personal blind spots to reveal themselves. Typically, what is missing within reflects an unhealed childhood wound, a lack of confidence, or an unfulfilled longing from the inner child for something that feels unattainable on your own. Once you take care of the unhealed needy parts of your inner child, your discernment about other people's character will significantly increase.

As you heal and love your inner child more, you can shift your attention away from what you don't want in a relationship and envision who you want to become. You can inwardly rehearse your new healthy boundaries and imagine yourself choosing someone from a place of greater wholeness, radiant self-worth, and powerful self-respect.

With love,

Shelley